This Is How You Lose Your Day

There is a day you feel you win the day, and there is another day you feel down and are completely lost. Life is difficult to live with complete happiness as you know. You cannot live a life always filled with a smile but filled with desires, jealousy, tiresome, and such negative feelings. You want to conquer such negativity, but actually, you should embrace such feelings to admit yourself. I know that. But, life is not that easy. You don’t have to be depressed, but you can feel down.

Anyway, yesterday was a day like that. I went to bed without achieving some of my daily routines. Watching YouTube videos that seem at least fun to me at the time but actually not that worthy to watch, and gradually sink into the deep ocean of sleeping, realizing I lost the day, the feeling of regret that I couldn’t do something I should have done. Believing to keep doing something almost every day makes you somebody, I would think like that.

But anyway, that is life. The point is that you should not feel down that much and pretend you feel really down. As long as we are fine enough to smile at anyone, it’s totally OK. Then, I remember the line of a very famous Japanese pop music “Donna Tokimo (At any time)” by Makihara Hiroyuki. This song is full of great quotes.

Original Version

“消えたいくらい辛い気持ち 抱えていても 鏡の前 笑ってみる まだ平気みたいだよ”
Even though you have a painful feeling of wanting to disappear
Smiling at a mirror, I think you are still okay. (Translated by myself)

Searching the song, I found that there are some other language versions. I hope you would check out and feel positive again soon. Thank you for reading!

English Version
Spanish Version

A night I don’t want to do anything

Simply, I became so lazy that I don’t want to do anything this night. I don’t want to even read books. Outside is raining. My life seems becoming pretty well these days. I somehow keep trying something everyday and that kind of things gradually makes my confidence. Cleaning toilet, doing online English lessons, publishing a newsletter for students everyday, and writing fiction day by day. The key word is step by step.

Today is a substitute day off for a school event of half marathon competition on Saturday, so it felt like a Sunday for me today. So, I spent today just for pleasing myself, and then I found that living just for your pleasure is very lonely. Now I realize the beauty of working for someone else, and spend time with friends or colleagues.

Sometimes I find myself have pretty ambivalent feelings. One of the most frequent such feelings is I want to be totally free from anyone, but I feel so lonely and miss people. Then, I feel like why I’m such a mentally unstable person. Whey can’t I be normal just for long time. But, maybe this is me. I can hardly say “I’m lonely.” to anyone, but then, I send text randomly to my friends. If I could say “I’m lonely” to my lover, how much can I close to be true me.

You don’t know when you die

Sorry for this shocking title, but nobody would understand this meaning more than today’s us. The most important lesson leant from this pandemic was there were literally no proof that we can live tomorrow like yesterday. In short, we finally realize that we have no idea of when we will be dead or the world ends. I’m not supposed to make you scary but rather I want to see the bright side of this lesson today.

People often say and be told that you should do what you want to do. But, how many people can live like this? For instance, you want to have a piano in your tiny room, but you can’t buy it right now because you have not enough money to buy, and there is not enough room to put the piano. However, the COVID19 told us that even there are such a hard situation, you should buy and put it in your tiny room because you can be dead tomorrow. It sounds a bit extreme argument though, I recently really think like this way. Let’s do things that you’ve wanted to do right now! Then, you can lose your “perfect timing” forever. So, why don’t you start writing your fiction, or tell somebody love you, and somehow buy a cheap piano? There is always a way after all.

Personally, I think I need to work harder, and want to write a great novel, and practice the piano, and want to read tons of interesting books, and want to hang out with my precious friends, and want to say I love you from the bottom of my heart. Now I finally found that I have so so many thing to do in my life, in this short moments. I don’t want to spoil my precious time but actually if I try to tackle with all these things at once, I could easily get down. Therefore, the wisest way which seemed to me so now, is just keep trying everyday. It’s like accumulating a sheet of paper one by one everyday. But hopefully, someday I can see a beautiful scene standing on the papers.

What is Saturday to you?

It’s Saturday. Truly the happiest day through a week because you can never feel more freedom and possibility for the rest of your life on this day. Sunday is a bit tricky. It seems that you can do anything but the Monday comes right before you. That means, you feel like you need to prepare something for Monday, and sometimes you even find yourself worried to welcome Monday. How awful it is. Why am I so afraid of going to Monday? But, the most of people can understand what I’m feeling right now. I somehow like my job, my current situation, but, Sunday seems pretty dull.

Next to Saturday, my favorite day is Friday because you can do anything compared to the other days. However, we Japanese high school teachers have a tricky problem that is that we have a club activity on Saturday. I mean, I need to be a coach of a club activity from 8 am to 12 on the day. That is really tricky. Why I say it’s tricky because it sometimes felt really fun to be in a school office on Saturday morning till noon and enjoy activity with students, but, sometimes I suddenly feels like am I doing right? Am I losing a precious moment for my life? or like that.

Being a teacher itself is tricky now I think. If you really love talking or interacting with students, this job is super attractive for you guys, but like me who are not that good at staying with students for long time, I’m always wondering if I could do better to deal with or talk with adults than children. Do I really want to keep doing this job? Should I change a job after 1 or 2 year after making my homeroom students graduated? That kind of things are what I think of recently. And then, I find Saturday is somehow also a tricky day.

Will the restriction will continue indefinitely? I don’t think so.

The days we wear mask became so ordinary that we sometimes afraid of wearing masks for good especially here in Japan as strong peer-pressured country. We wear masks like an oxygen cylinder in the deep ocean. Sometimes wondering if I don’t wear masks and try to enter a supermarket, what would be the people’s reactions to me? Everyone must think I’m a terrorist or like that. I didn’t know that the world or common sense can be turned around that easily. Before this pandemic, the most of the Japanese teachers thought that the color of mask must be white. But, now, who cares?

One of my Tokyo friend once grumbled that they have experienced non-emergency declaration time only for several weeks so far this year. Crazy right? So, now, we all think like “will the restriction will continue indefinitely?”or like that. I mean, what do you think about?

The last thing I felt would continue almost forever was the high school days. That days was so boring that I totally lost the meaning of why should I keep going this building. It was because everything was measured by the test score at that time. You make a higher score, teachers would love you more than students who got lower score. Bullshit. I don’t know why but maybe that would be definitely a main reason why I’m doing high school teacher now. People can’t be measured by only test score, and I don’t want to be such an ass hole teachers. I wanted to be a teacher who doesn’t feel or look like a teacher.

Anyway, sorry for going off the track. The point is, I felt that the boring school life would continue forever, but actually that was not continued that long. In fact, it lasted just for 3 years. Looking back the time, now I think of many things. The dark memories and happy memories of that time somehow made a huge impact for my life. If I try to look a bright side of things, I would thank the shitty high school days which lasted just for 3 years. I felt 3 years like 30 years at time though.

In short, I feel the same thing in this wired era. We can do many things in this depressing days. Somebody would even miss this days after the pandemic in terms of no drinking party or easiness of working from home. So, why don’t we look at the bright side? Let’s practice piano. Let’s write a novel. Let’s nourish your true love. I’m sure we will even miss this days someday soon in the future.

Social-Distancing drive to “Bihoro-Touge” in Okhotsuk, Hokkaido

美幌峠: BihoroTouge (Bihoro mountain pass)

Today is Saturday, which is my favorite day in a week. You can do almost anything with no responsibilities for tomorrow, you can do many absurd things (I wish I were in Tokyo…) , and maybe Friday evening can also be counted as the “Saturday” in terms of that meaning.

Anyway, since Hokkaido governor still has been declaring state of emergency and requested self restraint to us, it seems that this Saturday would be the worst one ever. However, such announcements are not an order or legal compliance like “curfew” thing. So, I’m so cautious that people start to despise those who going out and having lunch at some cafe or restaurant.

The balance matters. Perhaps the most people take today’s situation as a comparison of the importance of “life” or “economy”. However, for instance, no matter how we try not to go outside and save 30,000 people and then kill 100,000 people by stagnation of economy, was it really the right decision? So, again, the balance should be prioritized. As long as we are taking our best measures for avoiding virus, I believe that we should keep minimum economic activity. If you just follow and obey somebody’s saying without thinking, you can even create war. I hope you would get my point.

Sorry for the long and dull introduction though, I just want to say that I went to car-drive and saw a great view from Bihoro mountain pass, which is famous for the great view of Lake Mashu.

There is still snow leftover out there.
You can see the biggest sky if you look back.
I am so social distanced.
Bought a Jazz record at 辻谷商店 (Tsujita-Shouten) in Teshikaga.

And lastly, I bought a tiny gift for my mother and came back to my house. I hardly talked with anyone (not even close) and always wore a mask during outside. And now, to be honest, I feel really exhausted writing these trivial notifications. I wrote these things because there would be a slight possibility that a few readers could misunderstand and criticize me with unreasonable reasons. And then, I have a strong hate about these kind of peer pressure or atmosphere of the time.

Lastly, I just pray for the healthy and peaceful tomorrow world.

Thank you very much for reading.

3 Movies to Watch during “Stay-Home”

To be honest with you, I am a depressive person (maybe you must have realized by watching my weird profile picture in “about” page. It is a kendo protective mask). I actually look a person with positiveness and who is always smiling . However, from my experience, people who are always smiling is always crying under their face to fight with their weak heart or mental, and I think it is a price for being sensitive person (and then maybe I’m not that sensitive person). So, I don’t like Sunday. Without a certain busyness, I have to face my weakness forcefully and easily get disappointed with my darkness inside of me.

However, thanks to the great movies, I somehow can live till today. These movies taught me how great to live ordinal lives and how meaningful to be depressed. It’s like a “Zarathustra” kind of movie for me (I mean like mentor kind of movie). And now everyone seems getting depressed by self-quarantine, and unclear future world. So, I’ve just thought like why don’t we share my “survival movies” with people struggling with this unreasonable status quo. I wish these 3 my favorite movies can save someone’s bored to death life hopefully.

Groundhog Day (1993)

I love Bill Murray’s films.

The first one is “Groundhog Day”. Mean (or cynical) weatherman (as Bill Murray) suddenly finds himself reliving same day over and over again when he goes on location to the small town of Punxsutawney to film a report about their Groundhog Day. His situation drives him to destruction at first, but he gradually try to make sense of living in the weird world.

I personally think that some people actually want to kill themselves but other people just lost meanings to live. The time I first watch this movie was the time I couldn’t find the meaning of alive. However, the movie has taught me that there actually is a way to survive and a kind of goal you should strive for.

It’s a Kind of a Funny Story (2010)

I love Zach Galifianakis’ movies.

The second one is “It’s a Kind of a Funny Story” based on the same title’s novel by Ned Vizzini. There is a burnt-out teenager Craig (Keir Gilchrist) who checks himself into a mental health clinic after the attempted suicide (jumping from a bridge), then he finds himself placed in adult ward due to the fact that the youth ward has been shut down. Taken under the wing of fellow patient Bob (Zach Galifianakis), the 16 years old attempts to endure his mandatory 5 days’ stay without completely losing his mind. Then, he gradually realize the true value of living teenager.

If you are teenager, this movie must resonate deeper with you. Teenagers easily lose their meaning to live and ask their hearts if the world is deserve to live. Yeah, I’m still asking the question at least twice a year. By the way, this movie really helps you understand why you should live your teenage, and how precious it is being teenager. You must be relaxed about your life after watching it, and you want to welcome new days.

Paterson (2016)

Adam Driver as Paterson who is a bus driver in Paterson

There is a cool life-style magazine for women “&Premium” in Japan, and the movie was recommended in the latest issue, which features “beautiful solitary life”. The film is directed by Jim Jarmusch. Yep. Jim Jarmusch. If you fell in love with other his movie, definitely this could be your new favorite of his movies.

The story (if there is a plot) is such a simple. Set in the present Paterson, New Jersey, and it is a tale about a bus driver and poet. You just watch Paterson’s everyday life from Monday to next Monday. You just witness his daily routine. There seems no plot at all. However, you can feel a kind of richness, the beauty of ordinary life after watching. Through this movie, maybe we could understand how metaphorical world we live in, and how meaningful is it to spend each single day. Especially under this pandemic, absolutely we can make sense of this movie.

Above all, there are my top 3 prescription movies for your depressive stay-home life. Hope we can drink and discuss the movie without using Zoom someday very soon.

Thank you very much for reading, and have a great day.

Depressing Tuesday morning

Since the pandemic of COVID-19, I am spending unusual “Golden Week” (It is a Japanese-English expression. A collection of national holidays like at least 5 to 10 days) mostly in my house. Everybody yells “STAY HOME” through any medias, but we people are realizing that the limit is finally coming. It is such a stressful experience. Everyone who says something on the SNS have negative impression for this situation (including this blog).

So, I want to change something. This is a great timing to change or find something new. Especially, I recently found it interesting to play the guitar. I personally wanted to be a man who can play the piano (mainly due to the LA LA Land), but the guitar seems a bit easier to be into for me. So, I am practicing every day these days. And, It’s actually easier and fun.

The reason why I tried to start to play the guitar was a movie called “Yesterday”.

Yesterday is a nice movie like About Time or Sing Street

The plot is very simple but impressive. Jack Malik is a struggling singer-songwriter who wants to be famous someday, despite the fierce devotion and support of his childhood best friend, Ellie. After a freak bus accident during 12 seconds mysterious global blackout, Jack wakes up to discover that the Beatles have never existed but only he knows and remember their existence. Then he tries to sing the Beatles song and getting famous…

Actually, it’s a bit ashamed to say this though, I have never heard the Beatles songs seriously because you can listen to their song almost everyday in the supermarket, TV commercial or any places. That’s why I never tried to buy their CDs or download the music. Especially, in Japan, there are many English teachers who really loves their song and use it as a listening materials, so some students find it pretty stressful when they heard the hint of the Beatle’s song.

Therefore, I am totally empathized by the people who never knew the Beatles in the movie. And as Jack plays their songs, I and the people thrills about the songs, and it’s like a kind of initiation again. I was such a glad to meet the Beatles again with a kind of correct way compared to the wrong way to me.

Then, I fell love in the power of the Beatles songs, and now I’m practicing “”Hey Jude” right now. I have never known but my left fingertips are getting rubbed and losing sense of texture like before (I believe it’s a temporally thing though). But, you know, it is anyway fun.

I hope I can be a person who plays Hey Jude fluently after this Golden Week. Thank you very much for reading!