Today, what I’d like to do is to write about a complicated question and my simple answer for which I’ve recently felt finding out. The question is what I’ve been thinking from my high schooler’s days. The days when I didn’t want to go to school because there seemed no specific reasons to go to school. Simply, boring, and it seemed to me that the school is one of the worst places ever to realize what is my dream or what do I want to be for my vast future.
The question was actually simple. “Who am I?”. Seriously, that’s the exact question from my 16 years old. Maybe it should be translated as “What do I want to do through my entire life”, or “What kind of person do I want to become”. Then, from the age to this day, the question became a kind of my underlying illness. This would not be praised or awarded though, I can say that I’ve been thinking about this question every day for almost 24 hours and 365 days. I often use exaggeration but not on this one. Seriously, it was like an illness, and if there were a kind of occupation that evaluates how long you can think about one damn boring question, I could be a professional.
The moment when I realize a simple answer was not sure though, I recently feel like this. The reason why I’ve been caring and minding about my unclear future so far so much is a kind of proof that I am a versatile person anyway. Please don’t misunderstand that I want to be an asshole. What I really want to say is the opposite.
There is a friend of mine who was a college mate. End of our college days, he had got a job offer from a company, and he got the job. However, within 3 months since he started the work, he suddenly resigned from the job because of not-interesting job content or stressful human relationship in his office. He then called and talked about what he had done over the phone, and my reaction was a bit surprising to him, I said, “I envy you. “
If I can love something or hate something so much, I can be something. That is what I had thought. However, I finally realize that I don’t have specific niche things that obsess me. And I think I should accept this personality at the age of 28. On the contrary, everything that I do now is what I should do in my life because I can do anything with the same passion.
For these 28 years, I’ve been pursuing to find an “ideal job”, which is the best job for me. But, now I notice that there is no such ideal job especially to me, and maybe what I’m doing now is what I should do in my life. By thinking this way, my mind became so clear that I want to challenge many things with a modest heart.